Atony

I tried my hand at fasting today for Yom Kippur. My boyfriend's Jewish, and to be honest it's because of him that I'm aiming to observe holidays outside of my culture, because one of these days I'd like to consider myself a citizen of the world - more so than I do now - and relate to others outside of my non-traditional Christian upbringing. That said, I made it through with two cups of tea, broth, and water with electrolytes - 'cause I'm not converted yet. Or ever. I'm not to belong to one faith anymore. I'll elaborate on such things eventually, but for now, let's reflect.

I was staaarrrving this afternoon. Like, light-headed and blissfully delusional. I so wanted sushi. But stress, where was stress today? Not in the vicinity by any means. I might as well have been buzzed on [insert downer here].

But after a while I forgot about the physical and thought about the things I'm sorry for - like withholding food for vanity's sake. Holding onto what I can't change. Envying things, thinking ill against people. Jumping to conclusions. Shooing my cats away. Not calling when I say I will. Half-assing things. Disappearing. Among other things. At the end of the day I wanted to be a better person. Pretty much that's how I started the day, too. I told my boyfriend this in the evening while heading to statistics class. He said, "Yep, that's about how you should feel".

Success.

Long day

Indeed. With the debate last Friday, moving Steven into his new place this past weekend, work, school, brain-storming, and attempting to get as reasonable an amount of sleep as possible, it's just been one long unending day. it's felt this way pretty much for the past two weeks. I think I need a vacation. In about a month and a half, my request will have been met. I can be patient.

I called my folks this evening on the way home from class, to thank them for their support in the last few years, but especially during a time when things had gone particularly badly in my corner of the world. I was reading through some of my old LiveJournal entries circa winter 2004 and it was just ... a horrible place to have been in. Without saying much, I can sum up things by stating that I was left for dead, emotionally and [as a result] physically. But my parents helped me out - fed me, letting me sleep on their couch for a few weeks, and giving me reason to consider smiling again. I try to keep buried how I felt at the time, how skinny I was, and how it never seemed to stop raining. Sometimes it feels like it's still raining, but it's not pouring like it was. Dare I say, I've become more authentic, because as much as I don't say so I suppose I've plenty to be proud of as a functioning human being. I'm on my way to university; I'm managing funds; I'm gaining experience in writing, all thanks to those few weeks of intervention. Those things, including and because of family, are most important. So I thanked them for being there, when it was most needed, and always. I figured why not let them know. We're only given this moment; it's up to us what we do with it.

Huge sidepoint that was. In other news, while watching the "Morning Inspiration" show on BET Sunday morning, the preacher was telling the congregation how we must 'fight temptation, talk to the Lord so we can fight temptation'. . . but you know something; I haven't dealt with temptation of that sort since I stopped going to church a few years ago. Now maybe this is just me, but when I was a church-goer I would panic about falling into temptation; "get behind me, Satan", have mercy. Now, temptation to me is fighting the urge to have a piece of saltwater taffy before bed.

Ah, so. Life's going okay. Did I mention that I'm ready for a vacation?