Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Long day

Indeed. With the debate last Friday, moving Steven into his new place this past weekend, work, school, brain-storming, and attempting to get as reasonable an amount of sleep as possible, it's just been one long unending day. it's felt this way pretty much for the past two weeks. I think I need a vacation. In about a month and a half, my request will have been met. I can be patient.

I called my folks this evening on the way home from class, to thank them for their support in the last few years, but especially during a time when things had gone particularly badly in my corner of the world. I was reading through some of my old LiveJournal entries circa winter 2004 and it was just ... a horrible place to have been in. Without saying much, I can sum up things by stating that I was left for dead, emotionally and [as a result] physically. But my parents helped me out - fed me, letting me sleep on their couch for a few weeks, and giving me reason to consider smiling again. I try to keep buried how I felt at the time, how skinny I was, and how it never seemed to stop raining. Sometimes it feels like it's still raining, but it's not pouring like it was. Dare I say, I've become more authentic, because as much as I don't say so I suppose I've plenty to be proud of as a functioning human being. I'm on my way to university; I'm managing funds; I'm gaining experience in writing, all thanks to those few weeks of intervention. Those things, including and because of family, are most important. So I thanked them for being there, when it was most needed, and always. I figured why not let them know. We're only given this moment; it's up to us what we do with it.

Huge sidepoint that was. In other news, while watching the "Morning Inspiration" show on BET Sunday morning, the preacher was telling the congregation how we must 'fight temptation, talk to the Lord so we can fight temptation'. . . but you know something; I haven't dealt with temptation of that sort since I stopped going to church a few years ago. Now maybe this is just me, but when I was a church-goer I would panic about falling into temptation; "get behind me, Satan", have mercy. Now, temptation to me is fighting the urge to have a piece of saltwater taffy before bed.

Ah, so. Life's going okay. Did I mention that I'm ready for a vacation?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Nomad

12:30 am came so quickly.

It's been a good week so far. I kind of feel like I've been living out of a track and field bag since Sunday, and I think I know why. . . it's because I have been. This weekend I was helping my boyfriend get some things together for his big move this week (from San Clemente to La Verne). Last night, with the same bag, I headed to my folks' house to make pumpkin pies in celebration of the first day of autumn (you're here, darling; I've missed you so). Today, I still had the bag with me, having taken it to class, heading home with it at about 11:00 pm. And I can tell you this - tomorrow night I'll be taking it to my sister's in Agoura Hills for the evening; Thursday it will accompany me again to late-night schooling; and Friday afternoon I'll be taking it back down to San Clemente to get everything situated on Steven's end. Then I'll be back in Los Angeles on Sunday, trusty bag still in tow.

I like being everywhere, in a way. It's nice to be on the go. Tonight is one of two evenings that I'll be sleeping in my bed this week. But I wouldn't have it any other way, for now.

As you can probably see in the upper left-hand corner, I made a blog as a sort of archive for the Transit LA posts I wrote with Cityzine. Since transitioning over to BeatCrave.com has me focusing primarily on music (per my request), I thought it would be nice to keep some news and upcoming events in relation to transportation in Los Angeles. It was fun writing it, and I don't want to not, know what I'm sayin'? So feel free to check there every week or so, should the urge strike you.

Okay, I really don't know why I'm still up. . . I was going to treat myself to going to sleep at 11:30 pm for having gotten home from class earlier than expected. Guess my brain had other plans.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Paper faces on parade

tingly green-mint showers
getting my smile back
securing the apartment
heading down the 5
over-sized sunglasses
thoughts about BeatCrave
clouds over the ocean
and avenida del mar
domestic understanding
pseudo-rejection
ohnotheydidnt
fuck yes, i did

Don't wake me

Yesterday was a good day. The afternoon was even better, although I can't help but feel that when I actually attempt to convey a wonder of mine with honesty that I've botched the evenflow of whatever, and ever; amen. I'm so critical of self. I've traded a lot of bad self-views and perceptions for good ones, but that one in particular I can't shake. When it comes to audible words, my body, my skin, and all-around type in relative comparison - eh - confidence wanes. But I have a feeling I'm far from the exception.

In an exercise involving years of acquired ambiguity, I'll just say that it's hard to not keep self from feeling something that you would love to dive head-first into, even if it would last just a moment. Not out of any respect to our society's view of the conventional relationship, by any means, but in relation to individuals and their views. My track history shows that I give more glory to people/places than should be given, so it's more than likely an indelible trait I won't get rid of in this lifetime. But at least i recognize that's all it is.

So, I slept in until 7:30 am.
I don't have to be anywhere until 11:30.

That - spells relief.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Good to go

This week has been something else. Internal, external stuff. I've been busy with everything. But I've gotten so much done.

Last night, the night before, and I believe even the night before that, I was so tired that I must have drifted out of consciousness without falling asleep; it felt like I was drunk without a thing having passed my lips (except for Fresca). It's just been an off week, but it's almost over. I don't know if I've been more relieved.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm thinking of having lunch with my ex/good friend, who I don't refer to as an ex except when emphasizing that it's possible for one to be good friends with someone they used to have rampant sex with (there was a relationship somewhere in there, as well). What a shame and waste of invested time, to throw someone away because of a break-up, merely because of the world's trend in doing so. Last time I heard, break-ups aren't synonymous with death, so unless the other person was so misguided that they took on the role of asshole without realization, I don't have a verifiable reason to give someone up just because a dynamic has changed.

Not much to report other than I'm doing pretty well in school, and the writing is going well. And I'm welcoming sleep with open arms, like, right now. The rest of the weekend will be busy - my squid's last in San Clemente - but I'm looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. Maybe we'll even get to sleep in Sunday. Oh God, just the thought of sleep is right up there with food and all other physical satiations. I never understood it until now - but I'm always saying that about something.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Happy place

Friday night late-night corporate breakfast
Saturday housewarming party on the lawn
catching the Gold Line at Del Mar to Union Station, to Los Feliz
a few-hours-long spoken word/poetry reading on Vermont
red, red wine, the first time since Parsons in '06
veggie royale at Fred 62
cheesecake, "Barrack is Beautiful", "Rehab is for Quitters"
lights off, love on
one review down, three to go
brunch, with him and his best-laid plans
anticipating afternoon sleep

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Bare necessities

Last night found us driving through Beverly Hills on Wilshire towards the El Rey. I don't think I've consciously been through the city before, especially when driving next to a [rented] Rolls Royce. For how beautiful and rich it was (in the way of the green, not so much diversity), I found it strange how I felt so alien in a neighborhood that exists in my backyard. My boyfriend - a native New Yorker - and I - a native Angeleno - met at the middle of the same conversational bridge: that as much as Los Angeles boasts being big city, it really consists of little cities scattered about that don't really belong together. There's no real consistency. In New York, at least my experience has been that whether you're on Park Avenue, in the Village, Gramercy Park; or Union Square, Williamsburg, or any other borough in Brooklyn, you've the opportunity to feel connected to every mile of the city. Again, that's been my experience. I can get there. I can't really get to Beverly Hills or Santa Monica from my neck of the woods, and to be honest, outside of lunching with a friend, I don't know if I'd want to.

At least there's going to be some catching up in the way of public transportation in the city. The bigger the population is getting, it only makes sense. For every person to own a car and further congest the streets/damage the climate is a ridiculous notion. I'll attempt to base future transit posts on this in the weeks to come.

Anyway, we saw Brooke Fraser at the El Rey last night. She was something beautiful. I think I'll be getting her album (Albertine) off of iTunes. Do check her out.

We're going to a poetry event type deal at Skylight Books this evening (Milo Martin and the Utopian Nihilists), and were thinking that maybe, just maybe we could hit up Fred 62 afterwards. I mapped the locales. They're 213 feet away from each other.

It's a freakin' go!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Lazing on a Friday afternoon

I enjoy getting Fridays off early from my day job. If it were any other day but today, I'd have nearly two hours left of playing corporate Mother, makeshift therapist, and all-sorts defuser to anyone who reached my extension. I was talking with my friend last night [for a longer time than realized] about how I need to have faith in myself to feel better about the things that stress me out. We both agreed that I need to learn how to relax. I know how to relax, but my horoscope from Free Will Astrology advised me of something somewhat interesting:

"Writing in the magazine sub-TERRAIN, John More makes the following declaration: "Captains of industry, great generals, artists of genius, even politicians, are often just people who have discovered that alcohol can enable them to make economic, tactical, creative, or political decisions whose implications would paralyze a sober individual." Your assignment, Capricorn, is to find an alcohol-free way to make such a decision. It's time for you to summon visionary courage from your soul, not from a bottle, as you catalyze complex blessings that will ripple through your future for a long time."


Good points, but blah blah blah. I don't drink a lot. A two-liter of Stoli lasts me a good two months. I think the sole reason I drink is to slow my mind the fuck down. I'm analyzing and wondering at every moment of the day: "Hmm, coffee stains on my desk"; "If I have chocolate pudding at 3pm, then I must say no to soy ice cream later on"; "Why did I buy this InTouch?"; "Must clean and exercise before Steven comes over"; "Must do some writing this weekend"; "Shit, I didn't clean out the cat box" - etc., et cetera, and so on. At the end of my day I've done everything that I can fit in - but somehow my brain won't shut up.

Therefore: music, white noise machine, television, or Stoli in moderation. I'm a lush with most things but downers.

So that's my brain, in a braincase nutshell. The same brain that is anticipating Halloweentime at Disneyland on September 26th. I am so excited. While walking from work to class yesterday afternoon I waltzed on by the to-be pumpkin patch, whose yellow leaves will soon lead to bright orange pumpkins before long. What would Linus do?

Reminds me: last year I watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown while at the Bob Hope Airport heading to New York. I'm due for another trip in two months; best purchase a ticket before time inches closer and prices inch higher. Autumn in New York - I don't think there's a better time.

It takes very little to please the hell out of me.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Vacate the premises

My cat is giving my left leg a massage. I think she knows it's been a rough year on the corporate front. A lot of changes mean a lot of mental exercises. And goodness knows we all need a vacation, which is why I'll be spending a week in New York, mid-November.

My friend Duane is leaving for Bangkok this Saturday. This Saturday, for a week. I am so excited for him, but at the same time. . . I am so stinkin' jealous.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Red

Day job, school, night job, social life, love life, family life. Those are the priorities. The three towards the end often switch order; actually, they can be easily jumbled into one ball of interaction and pseudo-joy. Those are the hardest to attend to at the moment. I miss my dad. And my mom. These days, I talk to them separately, on different phones - with him, his cell phone; with her, her business phone. It's like they're physically separated, but they're not. Only emotionally. That's worse, actually. But it has been thirty years.

My boyfriend and I talked last night. After two years of whatever we've been doing, I asked if he'd consider marrying me. If it was a possibility. Not that I want to get married now; I'm not ready. I'm to get my bachelor's degree before I do anything else. But I kind of needed to know - I likened it to taking on an entry-level job with the possibility of promotion, moving within the company. If that's not even a possibility, then you wouldn't stick around long. Enough to make some money and save. But not long enough to become attached, so you could move on to the next opportunity. It sucks if you love the location, or how your chair gives you the support it needs. But without the possibility, it would be better to move on.

So at least I was made more certain of the possibility.

So, social/love/family life. I can't wait for the moment where I'll have the time to take it all in and enjoy it, to friggin' breathe - or to at least feel that my eight-to-five is being put to good use along the terms of my perspective outside of obvious monetary dependancy. But I realized a long time ago that in order to fuel our own dreams, we might have to fuel someone else's for a while.

As the days go by, again I must mention - October is just around the corner. My absolute favorite time of year. Sweaters and pumpkins, pumpkin pie and colored leaves. Cool with the warm. Another autumn. Another year.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

When September ends

I am looking forward to October already. October is pretty much where every day is a holiday. I LOVE October. But September isn't bad so far. We are coming up swiftly upon autumn. The school year has started, meaning I'm to be a lot more busy than usual, but that's a good thing. The more busy, the more I'm moving forward and getting things done. The more I'm building my portfolio and getting experience.

I had my review at work. I've been in my current position for a year, with the company for two. I don't know how much of a raise I'll be getting, but any raise is a good one these days - any day. As long as there is school to pay for, any 'extra' money is a lifesaver until I win the Lottery.

My boyfriend and I buy Lottery tickets maybe once every two weeks. Just because the idea of winning is such a fun feeling, even if you don't win. Just imagining what you would do with all that cash is, well - it's enough to keep going. Not because of the Lottery, I mean. Because of your own hard work and the chance that you might be able to make that happen for yourself. That you can retire perhaps when you're 55. That you could buy that six-plex by the beach and have your friends rent it in the summer or winter. That gas wouldn't be an issue because you'd have a private helicopter or something ridiculous. It's just a pipe dream, but it's fun to think about. If I won, I would make school and writing my full-time job. I would 'work' because I 'wanted to', not because I had to. I'd get a few cosmetic touch-ups (wouldn't we all?). I'd buy a Birkin bag - after I'd freakin' save. I've gotten really great at that, and have built up good credit, too. I'd like to think I wouldn't go mad.

It's just a fun idea to toss around. Living in this capitalistic society, it's bound to happen.

So life's been good. I'm always looking for something better.

But the established goodness is working out fine for now.