Unfabulous

I have been feeling all shades of off lately. Tired and lacking enthusiasm, mostly. Losing steam. It's been a rather off year. Far from fabulous.

There have been some wonderful moments, of course - but with the switch of the seasons, routine, reflection, and all suchness, things tend to become. . . bland and dull, and uneventful, and aggravating on all sorts of levels. Stagnant. Comparatively humdrum.

It doesn't feel like it's Halloween - but damned I'd be if it stopped me from having a good time. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Higher learning

I love school. Be it history or English or humanities, it tends to offer something that can be taken with a person to shape or redefine the way they view the world or themselves. Even science and math, depending on the application and the professor, can provide that same sort of out within one's mind. I told my dad the other day that the reason why I think the religion I used to be involved with is so against higher education is because they're afraid that people might actually learn something. It came out a bit more harsh (if you will) than I intended, but he found it hilarious. I suppose that's how most religions work, but if you confine yourself to one way of learning, you're confining yourself to one way of thinking, and that's not really healthy.

In history class last night my feelings for voting were reaffirmed this year. Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but as a former Jehovah's Witness, we were not permitted to vote, because since the kingdom of God apparently is not of this world, then neither should "we". But as American citizens, in the past, the only people permitted to vote were those that owned property - because of property tax. In the view then and now, if you pay taxes, you should have a say in how they are spent. Now, many people today don't own property, but they do pay taxes. You pay taxes; I pay taxes, whether we like it or not. So I should be able to vote, as should anyone of any religion. Penalty of excommunication should be a non-issue - but there's fear for you.

I think that's it. We've learned and re-learned lots of things - such as why women would pin up their hair at a certain age (pinning up one's hair was a sign of physical maturity [aka menstruation] and gave men the hint that a woman could be courted, because "if you're old enough to bleed, you're old enough to breed"), as well as -- well, concerning the issue of race... pretty much if we or our family members/ancestors were in the west or along trade routes over the last 400 years, or any place where people intermingled sexually as it were - regardless of ethnicity - we all have some other race in us. It should be OBVIOUS that the color of our skin does not define who we are; our DNA does. You could be the palest shade of white and have African blood in you. I have Irish and Portuguese blood in me. It saddens me that people see only the black, the white, the brown, the yellow, the red, when the quality of the person should be held on esteem, or considered cautiously, etc. They - whoever 'they' was - weren't lying when they said "knowledge is power". Knowledge is power. Knowledge is friggin' hot. Knowledge makes you a life form and not merely something to look at. It's pretty much the only thing that we have that'll be ever-withstanding, so it'd be a shame to keep the blinders on any longer.

Okay. All done.

Happy hump day.

Weekend update

It only started feeling like the Halloween season after roaming around through Target last night, looking for spare bicycle tubes for today's 60-mile ride - stopping by in the Halloween-y aisle to look for devil horns. It's been an interesting season, all right. I think with the pussy punches thrown by McCain's camp during the election race, and the various global financial corruption/issues and everything (and taking the angry calls as a result of my place-of-day-job's missteps), it's going to be a difficult holiday season. So difficult, especially for those who lost their jobs recently, or not so recently, or who have been looking for work for a longer time than expected. I still plan to enjoy as necessary, or warranted (I'm drawing up a Christmas list for prioritizing as we speak). I didn't celebrate holidays as a kid, but can thoroughly understand why as a 'grown-up': we all need a reason to throw a kick-ass party. From late October to two weeks after the Rose Parade in January, it's a relatively pleasant time. It's probably my favorite time of year.

And for the record: it's not that I don't like John McCain. He's a grandfather figure that I went without as a child due to time and unforeseen occurrence. He might be a great person to learn life lessons from or to listen to as he regales stories about his time in the army - I really mean it - but I don't think he should be our President. Even more so with Palin on the ticket. She's friggin' hot - but that doesn't mean there's much upstairs to benefit the nation. That and the Republican camp (in this election specifically) has been despicable in their role as Fucking Lynch Mob. There is no way in hell that I'm voting for "those ones" - and that's as political as I will get in print.

So yeah. We went on a 60-mile bicycle ride today (57.6 miles, if you want to be specific), from Pasadena to Long Beach. I am tired. For some reason this ride was a lot harder than others of the same length - I'm thinking because of the bike path in particular had a lot of these dips and raises in succession, and it was ah. . . too much. But I like being able to say that I cycled down to the Queen Mary from the foothills. We'll do it again - hell, we'll probably do it to Long Beach and back - but we'll work on it. Today was just enough.

I'll be featuring a strictly-photo post sometime soon.

I hope everyone had themselves a good weekend.

Competition

Can't do without

chai tea bags, Post-It notes, Notepad docs, flip-flops,
lip gloss, video iPod, black sweater, eyeliner,
cell phone, the internet (unfortunately)
-----------

I'm on a slight diet due to my visit to New York in a little over three weeks. My intention is to splurge on sweaters and jeans, etc., since I haven't gone excessive-clothes-shopping for myself in about two years. I figure it'll be a good excuse since November weather is cooler there than in Los Angeles. Even though my body will be wrapped up, I want to look my best. So...

I didn't want to exercise this morning. But I have this sort of competition within myself against others, or no one, or myself, just so I can get through that hour - efficiently, moving with purpose. (By the way, it irks me so when people don't move with a purpose; what a waste of energy.) I've been doing so for the last almost-three weeks and I can fit into slacks from about two years ago. Which I'll be giving to the Good Will because they're no longer my style. I don't know how much more weight I can lose in three weeks, but I'm willing to find out once I get there.

Ah, vanity, however slight. Maybe it really is some sort of subtle-in-perversion competition, because I'm convinced that everyone not only wants to look good, but wants to look as good as - if not better - than her, or him, or him-that-looks-like-a-her, or Androgynous Annie.

I've been concerned with looks since I was about 14, when I became conscious of my hips. Control was hard to come by when, as a teen, life was freakishly Jehovah-centric. It's such a relief to be in a healthier place, physically and mentally - despite still wanting to be perfect (but don't we all?).

Hmm, how to bridge...

I'm going to see my nephew this evening. God, I love him. The power of Cute compels me.

Even keel

I don't want to jinx myself, but I haven't been feeling as crappy as I had been earlier this year. I think it has to do with acceptance that things are never going to be perfect, and that I'm not always going to be happy. Like any other emotion, you can't always be mad, nor can you always be sad. If you're happy all the time, then you're lying to yourself. It's not possible if you're over the age of five.

I've decided to settle on contentment. Feeling okay. That is a constant I can deal with. There might not be enough money in the bank account until Friday. I might not be able to buy flowers on Sunday. No sugar for my oatmeal. No happy ending despite 20 minutes of effort. The bus, 15 minutes late. My toast, burned and black. Can't change it. Life isn't always going to be spectacular. Can only move on to the next moment, drama-free. I won't always feel this neutral, but I'm a long way from how I've been feeling the last five years. Probably the best I'll ever be.

The weekend went nicely. Didn't do much; just watched movies, toured my boyfriend's new neighborhood (very family-oriented, with plenty of schools, parks, and homes), went for a bicycle ride this afternoon, drank much much tequila with limes & tangelos, and got some writing done. Made it back in LA not much after 9:00 pm, with plenty of time to get some sleep before the workweek starts, and to study for an essay exam on Tuesday. So ideal, this middle ground. It's all I could want at this moment.

Verve

I am wondering if there is something wrong with me, in that I'll leave my boyfriend downstairs watching August Rush so I can dork around on the internet - namely YouTube, so as to watch clips of the most disturbing scenes of the Saw movies.

I've no faith in frou frou.

I had quite possibly the best sushi in Los Angeles tonight, shared over a bottle of Kurosawa sake.

This weekend is already exceeding expectations.

(expect nothing; leave happy)

Ambiguous by nature

If I could recommend having anything at your disposal as a writer it would be

(at all times)
a writing instrument
something to write on (post-its, if not receipt or business card)
cell phone
iPod (video or otherwise)
audio recorder

(when on assignment)
digital camera
comfortable shoes
a sweater

I'm not the best at anything, but in lieu of ginko biloba, the aforementioned help me to not misplace my mind, or a track on a setlist, or some quip that that beholds the potential of relevant interjection.

I coasted along today. Normalcy has been lacking due to the fires in the Valley, but I'm glad that the worst is over. The final Presidential debate has taken place. I am registered and all at once proud to be an American. This week I've been taking each day one by one, instead of bunching Mon.-Fri. into one long unsatisfying cock tease - and so far it has worked out to my psyche's advantage. I can also assume that having gotten five-plus hours of sleep each night has improved my reactions to others' idiosyncrasies. Tomorrow I've got to get up early to finish a review, work, school, and head home by 11pm. Another day in the life.

And as for the weekend - I have no idea what lies in store, but I hope very much that it doesn't involve any exposed nerves. This I will always work on.

Random

Yesterday morning, I went on what was expected to be a nice bicycle ride - length unknown - after not having been on my bicycle for a good two months. We ended up riding 51 miles - past ABC Studios, to Griffith Park, and back. This year I did a half-century ride to the city of Paramount and back (to Griffith Park). But I trained for that for a few weeks (I'd been riding my bike to work every day for a year, so it wasn't extensive). I was so friggin' proud of self yesterday - but man, oh man, that was unexpected. . . so much that I believe the most exercise I'll make myself do today is waltz on down to the farmers market before noon.

This might sound really horrible, but I've found in the last - I don't know, 23 years, that whether glossed-up or paparazzi-laden, Los Angeles really isn't anything special. Not that it isn't interesting and with a vast array of attitudes and things to do, but the portrayal of it isn't what it is, really. I'm sure everyone knows that. I hope most people do.

When people come here from out of town, I can understand being a little thrilled. But I kind of liken it to when I go to New York - so I haven't done the tours or the whatever out-of-towners are supposed to do, but I don't think I've ever really been that kind of person. I'd be happy touring the museums and parks and spice shops, or going into the basement of some foodie shop in Chinatown to peruse what dishware I can add to my collection of well-made stuff I don't need. I just would rather do that that feel like I must eat here, or must do that. That's what multiple trips are for. Yeah, I'm a brat.

Next month, I plan on touring mostly museums, since it'll be cold and I might not want to be outdoors so much. I also plan on trying different hot spots, hot foods, or being amongst hot bodies in wherever bodies tend to migrate in the fall. It's the plan; it might not be carried out exactly. But most blueprints require some alteration.

Four-and-a-half more weeks to go.

Atony

I tried my hand at fasting today for Yom Kippur. My boyfriend's Jewish, and to be honest it's because of him that I'm aiming to observe holidays outside of my culture, because one of these days I'd like to consider myself a citizen of the world - more so than I do now - and relate to others outside of my non-traditional Christian upbringing. That said, I made it through with two cups of tea, broth, and water with electrolytes - 'cause I'm not converted yet. Or ever. I'm not to belong to one faith anymore. I'll elaborate on such things eventually, but for now, let's reflect.

I was staaarrrving this afternoon. Like, light-headed and blissfully delusional. I so wanted sushi. But stress, where was stress today? Not in the vicinity by any means. I might as well have been buzzed on [insert downer here].

But after a while I forgot about the physical and thought about the things I'm sorry for - like withholding food for vanity's sake. Holding onto what I can't change. Envying things, thinking ill against people. Jumping to conclusions. Shooing my cats away. Not calling when I say I will. Half-assing things. Disappearing. Among other things. At the end of the day I wanted to be a better person. Pretty much that's how I started the day, too. I told my boyfriend this in the evening while heading to statistics class. He said, "Yep, that's about how you should feel".

Success.

Man versus man

Ah. It has been a while. What's been going on?

The state of our union, actually. In less than a month, it will [hopefully] be decided who out next President is. I'm really scared. Well, maybe nervous is more like it. In either case, there will be extreme emotion, whoever is elected. Extreme joy, or ever-dread. My friends and I are already planning a wake (for the death of our nation) should our hopeful not be elected. It will be a potluck. Consider this your invitation.

But if he wins (and of this I sincerely hope) - we're all going to Disneyland!!